Here I am, traveling my road, my journey, living out my dreams, living on my own agenda, with the Lord that is!  When the tires came to a screeching halt, the cat scan, I had in June came back abnormal. When cancer has its own agenda.

Yep, cancer has returned again. This makes round number 4 for chemo but 5 diagnosis’s of cancer, since I had a mass removed that didn’t result in chemo a few years ago. When the doctors were silent for much longer than normal on my past cat scan, my family kept prodding me to call, but something deep in my gut, knew, I just knew.  After the rough winter with tons of sickness for me, stomach pain, lymph nodes that would swell and have me running to the doctor thinking I had strep. Plus a deep, deep hip pain, I knew something was off.

With my daughter off to Germany in June and me missing her like crazy, this diagnosis has yet to date been the hardest for me for some reason.  I am not sure if it’s because I so badly want to be healed.  Or maybe I was missing my girl so badly? Depression, yep, most don’t admit it, but I had become very depressed.  But I never lost faith, please hear that I kn0w the Lord loves me but I was grieving for so many reasons.  There is no way to describe the way you feel when you hear the words, no matter how many times I have heard them.

we wait…

Most days I cried, some people began sending me personal messages be it through text or FB messenger wondering why I never shouted from the rooftops the scans were clear.

We were silent, we waited for our sweet girl to return from Germany before we chose to share.  We waited with that big secret two weeks, it was the hardest and loneliest time.

We choose to wait to share, our family and friends needed to hear from us first. Not because we didn’t want everyone to know, we just needed to do things in order this time, being a business owner has its own separate challenge.  Plus the answers, we didn’t have them, we knew people would ask, they want details.  We have traveled this road before until we had more, we chose to wait.  When cancer has its own agenda, it doesn’t care that you’re a mom, a wife, that you have a full-time job and you’re a wedding photographer with brides depending on you.  The hardest part of being a business owner was calling my September Brides and telling them the news.  BUT they have been the best! I am blessed.

A big shout out to Katelyn James, a phenomenal photographer I follow, that I love and adore, for answering my emails on how to approach the business side of things. She had shared openly her journey of losing her sweet James amidst a busy wedding season, find that blog here. I am always thankful for those who share, that is why I hope sharing my journey will touch and help someone along the way.

The Diagnosis

It has been a LONG two months, I will say that. Cat scans, PET scans (1st time for this one), MRI’s (which I do NOT like), multiple x-rays, and bloodwork.  I feel like I have gone from appointment to appointment to appointment lately.  When one is done, it’s waiting for the results of said appointments.  But I chose to get a second opinion at the James Cancer Center, Jeremy and I went to see a Lymphoma Specialist there. He spent an hour and a half, explaining in depth many things to us.

Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma is back, but not just in the lymph nodes this time. It came back in bones and tissue. My right hip is covered in cancer, which leaves me in quite a bit of pain, I rest it lots. The PET scan showed 3 pretty big “hot” spots, the hip, my pelvic bone and a spot by my adrenal gland.  The tissue all around my voicebox and throat are covered in cancer, which explains my throat always hurting.

The plan is a biopsy to make sure the cancer is unchanged, due to the amount in a small amount of time the specialist is questioning things, so I am off for a biopsy today. The prayer is no change in the type of cancer I have.  Radiation on the hip which is new for me, I have never had radiation.  Chemo and then a stem cell transplant.  In all things God is good, I know he has a plan.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Picking up and moving on

So here we are, we have picked up the pieces and we are moving on.  There are still many, days that I cry, the tears come hot and fast without notice. Each day I get stronger. I love the Lord, he loves me, he is faithful and he has not forgotten me, I know this.  I choose faith, joy, and TRUST! If you see me, I most likely will be sporting some of my favorite gifts from friends that inspire me daily. My faith, be brave, never lose hope or my cross bracelet.

My family is the best and I have the most supportive team standing behind me (US).

One morning sitting at the computer editing, I believe the Lord had a certain song be the first I heard one particular morning. If you would like to check out my favorite song right now that has got me through this journey, stop here, Mosaic-Tremble. 

Check out my blog where I shared some photos from round 3 chemo. My fellow photographer friend Megan, came to capture the end of that journey.